the past year and a half or so, I have been so tame. I just to be a wild child. Parties, drugs, alcohol, sex, drugs, and rock n' roll. Here I am being the desperate housewife cleaning goldfish tanks and doing dishes. Is this part of growing up or an ever changing me? It's not that I do not like what I have become its just that part of me wants my care free party hard lifestyle again where I did nothing but please my own self. I miss being out of control sometimes.
Saturday is my twenty first birthday. Is this going to open the flood gates for my old self. Bring me back to the person I once was. I need my old self again. Not that the new me isn't an improved me. But I need to be crazy. I need to be out of control. I need to be me. If there is only a way to combine these two person together.. Who knows maybe there is and maybe thats why I am suddenly getting this wake up call from my inner self.
After being attacked in my home last night, I am even more paranoid to be home alone. Every noise I jump like twenty feet. I just feel that everything that happened last night this guy is going to be out for some sort of retailiation.
It really bothers me that I don't have a hobby. I feel like everyone that surrounds me has something to define who they are. It's not that I haven't found anything that doesn't interest me in anyway,.. I guess I just a. either can't afford a hobby I wan't to pursue, or b. have no one to support my hobbies. After I came back from Mexico, I was very inspired to travel, even if it wasn't abroad I just wanted to go places. Obviously due to my current financial situation I can't afford to do this in any way, so I'm back at square one again. I took some amazing pictures while I was down there too just with like generic cameras. Photography is something I've been always been interested in also, but once again I can not afford a maintain a hobby like that or even get myself started. I also feel that if I began to exspress an interest in something like that people would just look at me like I'm trying to copy my best friend or something. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm just bored. Theres only so much internet to click around on, so much to write in notebooks, so many books to read, and so much tv to watch. I want something to define me. Maybe this whole journey of me trying to find a hobby, will help me reinvent myself in some way. I'm so sick of who I am right now.
pensive
awake